Bereavement  

INITIAL STEPS

Whom to Call First

Arrangements may vary depending on where the death occurs. If the decedent died at home, it may be necessary to call the police or 911 to report the death and arrange for removal of the body. In a hospital setting, the death certificate will be prepared by the attending physician and the body will be held until arrangements can be made with the funeral home. In a hospice setting, the hospice doctor should be notified. The doctor will sign the necessary documents and hospice will help make the necessary arrangements.

Upon the death of a loved one, the first calls are to the Temple and the funeral provider. The clergy will assist you taking the next steps. The funeral provider will assure that the death certificate is obtained and provided to you. The provider will also arrange for removal of the body. A listing of local funeral directors is provided here for your convenience.

If you want Temple clergy to officiate at the funeral, it is important to coordinate with Temple staff before any arrangements are finalized. Even if Temple staff will not be involved in the funeral service, the congregation will provide support to the bereaved family.

If the family knows death is imminent, it is better to discuss and resolve some of these issues and procedures concerning the funeral and burial beforehand.

Aninut: Between Death and Burial

When a death occurs, the immediate mourners enter a period known as aninut, the period of time between death and burial. Mourners are freed from social and ritual obligations. During this period, only family and close friends should visit with the mourners so that they can express their initial grief and feelings in private. The shiva period does not begin until after the funeral and burial.

SPECIAL CONSIDERATIONS

Euthanasia

Judaism affirms the sanctity of life, and therefore is formally opposed to any measures that facilitate death of the individual (see appendix).

Living Wills

The Reform Movement has endorsed the use of living wills as means to assure that an individual's preferences regarding "end of life" issues will be clearly communicated and honored. A booklet, "A Time to Prepare", is available through the Union of American Hebrew Congregations. It provides guidance in the preparation of Living Wills and medical power of attorney documents (see appendix).

Organ Donation

Organ donation is an acceptable and admirable act. Arrangements for organ donation should be made in advance by so indicating on one’s driver’s license or by carrying an organ donor card. Such a donation may represent the expressed wishes of the deceased or, in some instances, the wishes of his/her family. Organ donation can only be accomplished in a hospital setting; it is not possible if the individual dies in a hospice setting or at home.

Interfaith Observances (non-Jewish family member)

Our clergy staff will assist interfaith families in a manner sensitive to other religious traditions. A Jewish service may be appropriate when the deceased was not Jewish but identified with Jewish tradition, and the surviving family members are Jewish. The Temple clergy are willing to conduct appropriate non-sectarian funeral services in support of a bereaved Temple family and will participate with non-Jewish clergy (e.g. non-Jewish relative), provided the overall service is consistent with Jewish traditions.

However, please be aware there are certain restrictions with respect to burial in Jewish cemeteries. A non-Jew may not be buried in a Jewish cemetery, even next to his/her Jewish spouse. A non-Jew or an interfaith couple may be interred in a non-sectarian section. A convert to Judaism is entitled to all of the rites of a Jewish burial.

Death of an Infant

Although the death of a young infant involves feelings of loss and bereavement, Jewish custom does not require a funeral service for an infant of less than 30 days, nor are family members required to say kaddish or sit shiva (see appendix).

Suicide

Please do not hesitate to contact the clergy staff in the case of a suicide. Judaism opposes the willful destruction of life and cannot condone suicide. At the same time, we are taught to look for mitigating circumstances so as to avoid to declaring any death a genuine suicide. In this way, the prohibitions against burying a suicide in a Jewish cemetery or honoring them with formal funeral rites are mitigated. Jewish tradition encourages approaching the tragedy of suicide with compassion and understanding.

FUNERAL AND BURIAL PRACTICES

The funeral should be held as soon as it is reasonably possible to assemble the family, generally within two days. Jewish funeral services are simple, comprised of a few essential prayers, selected readings, and eulogy. They are intended to honor the deceased and to comfort the bereaved.

Scheduling of the Funeral

A funeral is held within 48 hours of the death, unless there are extenuating circumstances such as family members traveling from great distances or the advent of a major Jewish Holiday (Shabbat, Yom Kippur, Rosh Hashannah, Shavuot, Passover, Sukkot, or Shemini Atzeret/Simchat Torah).

If Death or Funeral Occurs Out of Town

The funeral provider should be chosen based on the site of the funeral rather than where the death occurred. Contact a local funeral provider at the location where the funeral is to take place and to assist with the necessary shipping arrangements. For interstate shipping, the body must be packed in cool packs, enclosed in a sealed metal case (Zigler case) or embalmed (see below for more on embalming).

Responsibilities of the Funeral Provider

Once the death certificate is signed, the funeral provider will take possession of the body, remove it to the funeral home and place it under refrigeration. The provider will then explain to the family the options available to them, such as tahara and shomrim (see below), casket selection, and burial property if the family does not have cemetery plots. The provider will facilitate the rental of either a hearse, or, at a lesser expense, a black van, and limousines. They also furnish materials for shiva: books, shiva candle, stools, kipot, and acknowledgment cards. The provider must offer the family a full list of services and prices of these services upon request.

Casket Selection

Jewish tradition strongly suggests a simple plain pine casket to reaffirm that we are all equal in death. A kosher casket is made only of wood, using wooden dowels rather than nails, and vegetable (not animal) glue.

There are no federal or state laws concerning liners (a concrete shell supporting the walls of a grave) or embalming. Most cemeteries require liners to assist them in grounds’ management, and to prevent graves from collapsing. Some funeral providers will offer liners for sale at a lower cost than cemeteries. Some providers may encourage the use of a vault, which is similar to a liner, but sealed and more expensive.

Preparation of the Deceased

Tahara, is the ritual washing of the body in preparation for burial. It is a burial custom that may be performed for any Jewish person. The washing is done by a Chevra Kadisha (literally, "holy fellowship"). Some synagogues have their own. In this area, there is a community Chevra Kadisha, which is a group of professional "volunteers" who will perform the ritual for a donation of $100.00 (used for tzedakah by the committee). Tahara must take place as close as possible to the funeral service. Jewish tradition discourages public viewing of the deceased, although private arrangements can be made between the family and the funeral provider. Viewing of the body (public or private) is discouraged after tahara.

Dressing of the deceased is a matter to be discussed between the family and the clergy. If tahara is observed, the body is generally dressed in a shroud, made of either muslin or linen. According to Orthodox or Conservative practice, linen shrouds are reserved for Cohanim (Priests) or Levites.

The family may arrange for shomrim, persons who will sit with the body until the funeral service. The custom is based on the desire not to leave a loved one unattended. Sh’mira may be performed by members of the Chevra Kadisha who read psalms or study sacred texts during their shifts, or by friends of the family who may read or have appropriate discussions. Occasionally, a family member might choose to be among the shomrim.

Kriah: Rending of the Garment

The practice of kriah dates back to the bible, when Jacob rent his garment upon learning of the supposed death of Joseph. Thus, one made a rend or tear in a garment immediately upon hearing of the death of a loved one as a way of indicating we are incomplete. Many Jews attach a black ribbon to their garment immediately before the funeral service. It is torn instead of actually tearing a garment. Kriah is usually observed by the immediate shiva relatives (parents, children, spouses and siblings). The kriah ribbon or torn garment is displayed throughout the entire period of shiva. When mourning the death of a parent, the kriah period may be extended to 30 days.

Funeral Service

Traditionally, this is a simple service to honor the deceased and give comfort to the bereaved family. The central element is the eulogy; it may be delivered by clergy and/or family members or other lay people. The service may include some psalms, and concludes with Eyl Maleh Rachamim, a prayer asking God to have compassion upon the soul of the deceased.

The service may be held at the funeral home, if it has a chapel, or in the Temple Beth Ami sanctuary. This decision should be discussed with the Rabbis or Cantor, so that necessary arrangements can be made with the Templestaff. Some funeral providers have a small on site chapel or contractual arrangements with area synagogues. Alternatively, the service may be held at the gravesite.

There is no fee for clergy participation in the funeral of a Templemember or a member of the family. Customarily, the participation of clergy staff is acknowledged through the performance of tzedakah, which may involve donation to the Rabbis' and Cantor's Discretionary Funds or other appropriate Temple funds.

Memorial Service

A funeral service can be held only if the body is present. Otherwise, a memorial service can be conducted at the request of the family. Memorial Services may be held following a cremation (see below) or in the case where some family members could not attend a funeral held far way. The service offers an opportunity for the family to be comforted by friends, and to observe some funeral and mourning customs.

Special Cases: Autopsy, Embalming, Cremation

Jewish tradition discourages autopsies, unless it provides some medical benefit to the surviving family or the immediate community (e.g., diagnosis of a genetic or infectious condition), or is required by law. If an autopsy is needed, the funeral provider will coordinate with the doctors or medical examiner. In legal cases, the authority of the medical examiner supersedes all other authorities.

Embalming is not required by state law, nor permitted by Jewish law. Embalming slows down the natural process of returning to the earth.

Judaism deems embalming unnecessary and unacceptable. The extensive invasion of the body required by the procedure violates the Jewish practice of treating the body of the deceased with utmost respect. Attempts to preserve the body frustrated the process of decay which is considered natural and appropriate. Any cosmetic treatment of the body is considered an undesirable emphasis on the physical remains at the expense of the spiritual legacy.

No states have laws that mandate embalming. There may arise circumstances which may justify embalming because of unusual community or family priorities. In those instances, rabbinic counsel should be sought.

Jewish tradition does not condone cremation, the willful destruction of the human body. The Temple’s clergy will not officiate at a crematorium nor take part in a service at any other location preceding a cremation; the clergy will officiate at a memorial service after the cremation has occurred. (Some clergy will officiate with the body present at a service prior to cremation, but most will not officiate with the ashes present.) The staff will do its best to meet the needs of the family.

Involvement of Children

Decisions regarding a child’s attendance at a funeral and/or burial are best made in discussions that include the child. Explanations and descriptions of the funeral service, the cemetery, and the burial which respond to a child’s questions can help determine whether the child is emotionally ready to attend. Children who have enjoyed a meaningful relationship with the deceased often have a need “to say goodbye” equal to that of adults. They may feel excluded and frustrated if summarily left behind. Attendance at a funeral, and the subsequent family discussion, can help children develop understandings which will help them confront loss and grief at later stages in their lives. Children who do not attend a funeral can participate in other observances, such as shiva, in ways that are appropriate and inclusive. Since each child is unique and each family has different concerns, this important matter is best discussed with clergy at the appropriate time.

Pallbearers

The family of the deceased chooses the pallbearers, usually members of the family or close friends. Any person, male or female, can be a pallbearer, including children (within safety guidelines); it is considered an honor to escort the deceased to his or her final resting place. At least six pallbearers are suggested to carry (or accompany) the casket from the chapel to the hearse, and later from the hearse to the gravesite. The pallbearers may remain seated with their families during the funeral service and are summoned to escort the casket at the close of the service.

Customs involving the Gravesite

If a cemetery plot has been purchased before death, contact the cemetery when the death occurs. If one has not been purchased beforehand, the funeral director will assist you with the purchase. Selection of the gravesite should be discussed with other family members. The policies of each cemetery may vary with respect to perpetual care; decisions regarding perpetual care are generally made at the time of the purchase.

Some cemeteries permit only ground-level markers at the gravesite instead of tombstones. These markers, however, are not accepted by all Jewish authorities and some Orthodox Rabbis will not officiate at cemeteries where markers are used.

Gravesite rituals include the recitation of kaddish and participation in the act of burial. The burying of the dead is the final mitzvah that one can perform on behalf of the deceased. It is a loving obligation of the family to ensure that the burial takes place properly. Family and friends are encouraged to participate in the mitzvah of covering the casket; Judaism teaches that the burial should not be left totally in the hands of strangers.

It is customary not to return to the gravesite until after the shiva or sheloshim period (see below). At Temple Beth Ami we encourage the bereaved to balance their remembrance of the deceased with the need to return to their normal daily lives. Subsequent visits to the gravesite may be acknowledged by placing pebbles or small stones on the top of the gravestone or marker. Some sources suggest that to do so honors the deceased (see additional readings).

Returning from the Cemetery to the House of Mourning

Washing one's hands symbolizes leaving the cemetery behind and returning to life. A bowl of water and a towel are placed outside the mourner's home for this purpose and all are encouraged to take part in this important custom. Usually family and friends provide the initial sustenance for the mourners; this meal is called the sheudat havra-ah. In some communities, this symbolic meal is eaten shortly after returning from the cemetery. Although customs may vary, traditional food for the first meal includes hard-boiled eggs and bagels, whose roundness suggests the continuance and eternity of life.

Temple Beth Ami Cemetery at the Garden of Remembrance Gan Zikaron Memorial Park

“One generation passes away, and another generation comes; And the earth abides forever.” - Ecclesiastes

Located in a tranquil, beautifully landscaped setting amid gently rolling hills in Clarksburg, Maryland, the new Garden of Remembrance Gan Zikaron Memorial Park sits on 152 acres of meadows and woodland at the foot of Sugarloaf Mountain, just off I-270. It is the only cemetery in the region that is Jewish owned and operated.

The 400 plots in the Temple Beth Ami section are available to members of our Templecommunity and their families. Congregants and their immediate families (mother, father, sister, brother, spouse and children, and their families) may be buried in our cemetery. Both headstones and markers are available, as is above ground burial in a mausoleum. Non-Jewish members of a family may be buried in our cemetery, with other members of the family, but a non-Jewish burial service or symbols on the stone or marker cannot be permitted.

We are pleased to be able to offer this important service to our members. To visit the cemetery or for further information, please call the Temple’s Executive Director at 301-340-6818, ext. 226.

THE MOURNING PERIOD

Jewish tradition identifies stages of mourning, beginning with a seven-day intense period (shiva) observed in the home(s) of the immediate family, followed by a period of reduced mourning (sheloshim) as one adjusts and returns to worldly routines. Mourning the death of a parent involves an extended period (avelut). Special anniversaries marking the death are discussed in the next section.

Shiva: The Initial Seven-day Mourning Period

Shivais a public expression of grief observed by the immediate family of the deceased (parents, children, spouse and siblings). The seven-day mourning period begins immediately after the funeral and burial (not the death). Any part of the day of the internment which occurs prior to sunset, no matter how brief, is counted as the first day of shiva. Shiva may be observed at more than one mourner's home, or at a single site with mourners returning to their homes to sleep.

Because mourners are excused from public worship in the synagogue during shiva, prayer services (including the recitation of Kaddish) may be conducted in the home. Friends and family are encouraged to visit and comfort mourners during the shiva period. Tradition suggests that visitors wait to be acknowledged by the mourner before speaking. It is often better to be a listener and to provide comfort merely by your presence.

The word shiva is a variation of the Hebrew word for "seven". Shiva traditionally encompasses a seven-day period. The first three days are considered more intense than the last four days. Thus, if the observance of the full shiva may cause financial or physical hardship, the mourner is permitted to go out after the third day, do what is necessary, and then resume shiva. A special seven-day candle is kept lit during the shiva period.

If shiva is observed locally, Temple Beth Ami's Hineni Committee will send a meal to the family; if shiva is being observed out of town, Hineni will send a fruit basket. If there are no services, or the Templeis informed after shiva has ended, a tree will be planted in the name of the departed.

If one is invited to a simcha during the shiva period, one might choose to attend the event itself, but not the celebration following. Jewish law stipulates that life must continue. However, different rules apply to different members of the family. Please speak with the clergy concerning specific situations.

If a Yom Tov (major Jewish Holiday) occurs during the shiva period, it cancels out the remainder of the shiva. A subsequent Yom Tov that occurs during sheloshim (thirty-day period of reduced morning following shiva, see below) will cancel the obligation of that period as well.

Shiva Services

If possible, a member of our clergy will be present each night of shiva, at the request of the family. Some family members may be capable of conducting the service themselves, and are encouraged to do so. Fellow congregants, who have been trained, may also conduct the service.

Our congregation's tradition is to conduct a Maariv, or evening service. We conduct a service and recite Kaddish regardless of the number of people present. Temple Beth Ami provides the service booklet, Gates of Prayer for Weekdays. These booklets can be supplemented by the funeral director. The family should ask specifically for the prayer books of the Reform Movement.

Home Traditions Associated with Shiva

Covering the mirrors, a custom occasionally associated with the shiva period, is rooted in ancient folklore. Some felt that by looking in the mirror, one might see the angel of death. Moreover, since mourners may neglect their physical appearance, mirrors may be covered so as not to draw attention to the mourners.

Sitting on low seatsdates back to the biblical times. It is an indication of the lowered position of the mourner, and their reduction of esteem because of their loss.

Wearing dark colorsis customary, although black is not obligatory in Jewish tradition. Since leather was considered an item of luxury, wearing slippers or sneakers instead of leather footwear symbolizes the relinquishing of luxury items during mourning.

Mourners should prepare food only for their immediate family. They should not have the added burden of sustaining visitors.

Sheloshim: The First Thirty Days of Mourning

Sheloshimis the thirty-day period of reduced mourning when one returns to work and daily life. The name of the departed is read in the Templeat Shabbat services each week during this period.

As with the shiva period, the occurrence of a major Jewish festival cancels out the remainder of sheloshim. Traditionally, a mourner recites kaddish every day during sheloshim (the mourning is extended for the death of a parent, see avelut below). It is customary to recite kaddish in the synagogue amid the comfort of other Jews, although in the Reform movement, it is permissible to say it alone at home. Temple Beth Ami does not offer daily services, so mourners may wish to attend daily minyans at other synagogues in the area (see listing of area minyanim).

Judaism encourages visitation of graves at appropriate times including the conclusion of shiva or sheloshim and on the yahrzeit. Some people visit on fast days and many make a special visit to the cemetery before the High Holidays. At such times, Psalms and memorial prayers may be recited. It is customary in some places to put stones or blades of grass on the grave stone or marker. Stones recall the ancient practice of upkeep and protection of a grave. Grass, which returns season after season, is thought to be a symbol of eternal life.

Individuals and families find their own appropriate patterns of visitation. Judaism teaches that it is best to find a balance between constant visitation and total neglect.

Avelut: Extended Mourning for a Parent

Avelut refers to the 11-month mourning period observed for the death of a parent (rather than the thirty-day sheloshim period for children, spouses or siblings). Aveilut begins immediately after the burial and extends through the period of shiva and sheloshim. Some of the customs and practices associated with aveilut may continue for a full year. Kaddish may be recited daily for the first eleven months of the year of mourning.